AJ Ericksen's Blog World

Friday, August 11

Grocery Fun

Opinion Journal's Best of the Web today directs readers to the reviews for a gallon of milk on Amazon.com. Many of these reviews are hilarious. For example:
This milk saved my marriage!

Aliens had landed in the parking lot outside our apartment and were about to drag off my husband to do who knew what! I offered the aliens tall, cold, refreshing and delicious glasses of Tuscan Whole Milk and they completely forgot my husband, taking my fridge, instead.

Thank you Tuscan Whole Milk!
Or try this snottier one that is quoted by Opinion Journal:
One should not be intimidated by Tuscan Whole Milk. Nor should one prejudge, despite the fact that Tuscan is non-vintage and comes in such large containers. Do not be fooled: this is not a jug milk.

I always find it important to taste milk using high-quality stemware--this is milk deserving of something better than a Flintstones plastic tumbler. One should pour just a small dollop and swirl it in the glass--note the coating and look for clots or discoloration. And the color--it should be opaque, and very, very white.

Now, immerse your nose in the glass and take a whiff. Tuscan transports you instantly to scenic hill towns in central Italy (is that Montepulciano I detect?)--there is the loamy clay, the green grass of summer days, the towering cypress. And those gentle hints of Italian flowers--wild orchids, sunflowers, poppies. Then, one takes in the thick liquid and lets it roll across and under the tongue--what is that? perhaps a hint of a nutty Edam cheese?

With Tuscan, you feel the love of every dairyperson involved--from the somewhat sad and deranged farmhand shovelling steaming cowpies to the bored union milk maiden dreaming of leaving this soul crushing life behind for a job waiting tables for obnoxious American tourists in Siena.

But not too fast--sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk's texture and its terroir, but--if chilled too long--also of giving oneself a blinding ice cream headache. Nay, savor the goodness that only dairymen and dairywomen working at the apex of their craft can deliver.

Tuscan is best drunk young--no, no, don't cellar this gem--I guarantee you'll be sorry if you do. I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92.


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