AJ Ericksen's Blog World

Monday, February 28

"Footprints"

A variation on the classically cheesy poem "Footprints" from McSweeney's. Note the last two lines:
A man was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand.

Yet he also noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. This always happened at the very lowest times of his life.

The man questioned the Lord, "Why did you abandon me when I truly needed you?"

And the Lord smiled down on the man, saying, "During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

To which the man replied, "No, you can see the little Nike swoosh right there, look closer."

And the Lord said, "Oh. OK, I was floating."

Barry "Big-Headed Cheater" Bonds

Here is a great Rant about Barry Bond's cheating.

Friday, February 25

A Flattering Invitation

Somehow the creepy scientists at the venerable Fairfax Cryobank found out about my genetic superiority and, in their wisdom, extended me via U.S. Mail a written invitation to donate the product of my loins in their Dixie cups. I felt truly honored. Here are, I'm not making this up, some excerpts from their kind letter:
Fairfax Cryobank ... is looking for healthy, college educated, ethnically diverse men between ... 18 and 39 to assist infertile couples by becoming anonymous sperm donors. ... The service you can provide as a sperm donor is significant and greatly appreciated.

There is truly an urgent need for donors who are willing to assist those who are desperate to have children but unable to do so without the generosity of gamete donation.

If accepted into the confidential donor program, you will be compensated for each acceptable specimen you produce. Current donors ... are earning an average of $200 per specimen.
As you know, I have been thinking about a part-time job. Like all legitimate scientists, they provided me a Yahoo! email address to contact them. Feel free to register their address -- austincryo@yahoo.com -- for any mailings you desire.

Steroids and Sports

In his piece entitled "Everybody Knows Jose", writer Jason Roeder presents a sampling of insider perspectives into Canseco's tell-all book. Among them, this gem:
"I heard that everyone called this guy 'the Chemist,' so I assumed it was because he was some brilliant scientist. This guy couldn't figure out a juice box, let alone an organic-reaction mechanism, and he gave me this stuff that made me grow sideburns during my final exam."
—Brenda King, MIT alumna

Saturday, February 12

Women

Weekly World News reports that what women want in a man depends on where they are in their menstral cycle. During PMS, the Tasmanian researcher noted:
If a woman is suffering from what is commonly known as PMS, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors jammed in his temple and a bat shoved up his ass while he is on fire. "We're not sure what to make of this one," says Chachi.

Friday, February 11

Social Security

Robert Samuelson makes a strong case for why the government should "Cut [His] Benefits". He exposes the fallacy that the elderly are largely poor and unable to get by without Social Security, and thus, he argues benefits should be cut now.

Some facts:
1. Because they have no children to support, although household income is lower, per capita income is higher among seniors 65 to 74 than people younger than 44.

2. Because of Medicare, more seniors are insured than young people (99% vs. 82%).

3. Three-fourths have paid off their mortgages; 3/4ths of younger workers have mortgages.

The result is that through Social Security, "Younger and poorer taxpayers are supporting older and wealthier retirees." Go to any casino or cruise ship and you will see that the program is not a safety net but a retirement subsidy.

But what do politicians do?
In principle, both liberals and conservatives should oppose this -- liberals because the growing costs of the elderly make it harder to help than anyone else; conservatives because these costs are the main engine of enlarged government. In practice, both keep quiet.
FDR is dead and so are the reasons that justified Social Security. Kudos to President Bush for at least opening the debate. Let's see if Congress actually does something right, even if hard.

Wednesday, February 9

Smoke Detectors

Having lived in my apartment for 7 months, I finally used the oven this afternoon. Because I'm on kind of a health kick these days and I had the whole day off, I figured it would be nice to bake some salmon, which was on sale at the store.

The trouble is that (1) some residue of oven cleaner remained and (2) the smoke detector is perched on the 12 foot ceiling. I also have no broom or long stick, so when the alarm pealed out I could only try to swat it with a jacket until it shut off. I don't belong in the kitchen.

It is also nice to watch MSNBC's Natalie Morales.

Tuesday, February 8

Tips for Men with Lead Feet

Weekly World News provides helpful advice for speeders: tips on talking female cops out of tickets. For example:
DON'T be afraid to flirt shamelessly. "You're one hot copper!" and "Are you wearing a thong under that uniform? Let me see!" are perfectly appropriate comments, says [a California State Trooper].

Monday, February 7

My Nightmare

Jim Caple's latest column, "The Worst Event Ever" provides a nice summary of a Wing-Eating Contest in Philadelphia. It is foul. More disturbing, however, is that I now know that there is a mayonnaise eating contest, too. I hate mayonnaise.

According to Food Eating Contests & Records, Oleg Zhornitskiy ate four 32-ounce bowls of mayonnaise in eight minutes.

I'm going to go vomit now.

Friday, February 4

Star Wars Fashions

According to krautboy, "Women will get sterile just looking at you."

I'm sure you will enjoy this site.

[Thanks Murphy]

Tuesday, February 1

Overlooked Mailbag Item

Torry mentioned the Sports Guy's mailbag wish for a feature allowing you to send players into the stands--a great idea.

But this even cooler Fantasy was overlooked:
Q: Is there a recorded instance of someone playing Golden Tee at a bar and then picking up a girl from the same bar on the same night?
--Michael R, Richmond, VA

SG: Good question. Sadly, the Elias Sports Bureau doesn't keep track of something like this, although they cover just about everything else. In fact, after Mark Blount's historic triple-zero last week -- 0 points, 0 rebounds and 0 blocks in 22 minutes -- I e-mailed Rob Tracy at Elias and asked if that was a record for centers. Within two minutes, Rob e-mailed me back saying that Greg Foster submitted a quintuple-zero (0's for points, rebounds, assists, steals and blocks) in 23 minutes back in 1999.

So that got me thinking: Wouldn't it be nice to have Elias covering your entire life? Like, you could be sitting around one day thinking, "What was the name of that girl who made out with me at Chuck LaPosta's wedding back in 1994?", and then Elias would scurry off to find the girl's name, plus give you the cup sizes of every girl you ever hooked up with at every wedding, along with the average cup size numbers for you and all your friends? And this would happen in like 3 minutes? Maybe some day.
Speaking of which, will there be any hot chicks at the Sorenson wedding?